Wednesday, June 30, 2010

His Guess VS. My Guess...

OK... So I'm at home. It's 4 in the afternoon. I don't feel good. I'm in bed.

I went to my doctor after calling the physical therapist. She said that I shouldn't be feeling the way I feel after my PT session. I might feel soar, but not severe pain, consistent pain all over plus eye pain. It feels like my eyes are pulsating and light hurts. So I went to my doctor.

I think I made him mad. So his guess at my diagnosis: Fibromyalgia. I disagree simply because doctors like to call everything they can't diagnose Fibromyalgia.

I want an MRI. Prove to me that these black spots in my right eye, pain in the back of my skull, loss of feeling on one side of my body at a time, difficulty remembering things, knees just giving out whenever they want to, pain throughout my body, eye pain, mixing up my words, fatigue... the list could go on... isn't something more serious.

I am having an MRI on Friday at 8pm. Maybe it is the F word. Just prove me wrong. The doctor was wrong about having a pinched nerve.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My First Physical Therapy

I went to my first physical therapy session today. It was good and hurty. First the PT started with massaging my neck and she did that very slowly and carefully for 30 minutes. It hurt pretty bad but she was barely touching me. The awesome part was when she put a full length back and neck hot pad and then put this fabulous machine on my neck and back. Oh how I wish I had one of these here at home. It was terrific! It felt like weird ants crawling under my skin. My doctor only gave permission to do PT on my neck, so the rest of me still hurts like the dickens, but my neck feels pretty good. Wish they could put the TENS machine on each of my joints. Transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation... SO 
Pain management... day one: awesomerific! (My new favorite word from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends).

Work: Lame. Boring. All I could think about was coming home and doing card making/scrap booking. It's getting to the point it where I really don't like my job. But God never said we'd like toil. 6 days He worked and on the 7th He rested. OK. I'll stop kvetching.

Kids: Adorable and precious as ever. Tzipi keeps pressing the CAPS LOCK button while I'm typing, and Zee is pretending to grow a beard. He's grunting and squinting. Good luck with that, son. Oh no, now Tzipi is trying to grow a beard. YIKES!

Avi: I cut his hair last night. Not too bad.

Sunday, June 27, 2010


No sophistication is needed in serving God – only simplicity, sincerity and faith.
I haven't done very much today. After working yesterday and attending a wedding, I was all for resting today. I wasn't feeling well either. 

I'm going back to the Physical Therapist for pain management. This way I can go to the doctor and say, this isn't working, we need to try something else. My physical therapist feels that something more serious is going on in my body, something bigger than he can fix. But he did feel that we could maybe work on dealing with the pain. 

The kids had a blast with their babysitter last night. They went to see Toy Story 3. I admit, I'm jealous. :0) 

Well, not much else is new. Just wanted to post something else and I liked this picture.

Good answer!

When someone asks his friend how he is and the friend says, “Not good”, this can be an opening for trouble. Because God says: “You call this not good? I'll show you what not good is!”
But if when his friend asks how he is, he answers brightly, “Good, thank God!” even though things really are not so good, God says: “This you call good? I'll show you what good is!” 

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Personal Prayer

"It is very good to pour out your heart to God as you would your best friend." Rabbi Nachman
I struggle with personal prayer. I'm trying. God should be closer than a best friend. Plus making time to talk to Him. Not just to hear my own voice or vent and complain. But to truly talk to Him about my hopes and dreams. To tell Him how much I appreciate His endless generosity and faithfulness. He is awesome. He created us to communicate with Him. That's what He wants. Yet the 'powers that be' wish us to do ANYTHING but commune with our Creator. So I wake up in the morning. He's always there. Like my best friend would be. Eating lunch with me. Shopping for clothes. At work with me. Seeing me cry. But I ignore Him. I pretend He's not there. Or worse I just forget He's there.

Teach me to pray, Oh God! I know lashon hara (evil tongue/gossip). All too well. Right now I'm just practicing silence and listening. I might say one or two sentences and then I can't say anything else. So I listen.

The more I do this the easier it will get. I used to have nothing to do but talk to God. When everything went south I just couldn't do much but cry. When it was just the kids and me, I would talk and talk and talk and talk, but it freaked the kids out. I was dealing with things the best I could. Then I just stopped. I regret that I let it get this far. But I'm making teshuvah. I'm returning.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Another day

OK. Today was even harder.

Someone who has even talked with me and who knows that we don't celebrate Christmas and that we celebrate Hanukkah, Passover and Sukkot asked me today if I had cancer. Her excuse was that she wanted to encourage me. I sat with her while training her and she KNOWS my situation.

That's fine and dandy. I just smiled and said, No I'm perfectly healthy, Thank you very much for asking.

The hardest part was finding out that the Physical Therapy that I've been looking forward to is $30.00 each and every time I go. Yeah, insurance will pay 100% of eligible expenses after specialty co-pay. So I may get to go to the evaluation, but I won't be able to go three times a week like my doctor wants me to go. It's frustrating. I'll go to the evaluation, look at the light at the end of the tunnel and continue eating pain pills and muscle relaxers. This November I'm tempted to turn off insurance altogether. I could sure use an extra 400 dollars a pay check. Then I'll just go to a pay as you go doctor. I know I'm just blowing steam. My husband and children need the medical insurance.

Oh, and I moved Family Night to Friday night so that we can celebrate Shabbat meal at home and I get an email saying, "get ready for a mandatory Saturday because the queues are so high". Our queues aren't high. Ours are empty. But I still have to work. And if I asked to be able to keep Saturdays for my God? Say goodbye to any kind of advancement. Goodbye to any kind of management position. That may be what is meant for me. Just work to pay the bills and forget fancy titles. Just humbly serve my God.

I think this has been the one thing about the headcovering that keeps me from throwing in the scarf. I keep reminding myself that covering my head is a battle of my pride. That serving God isn't about popularity or fitting in. I hope I learn these lessons. I hope I don't cave to pressure.

I think it's funny that no one posts comments on my blog anymore. I used to post things for fun. Now I post to get things off my chest. That's not very fun I guess. It is therapeutic.

PS Leelee, I love Hans. Could you email a picture of him for me? I need to see him on my cell phone when I'm sad.

I'm not the only one...

This is my mother by marriage. Here she's teaching the children about Hanukkah. She's covered her hair for years. Rain or shine. Evil words or not.

With wickedness so rampant on this planet, it is time for those that fear God to be different. (This was me 3 years ago.)

Monday, June 21, 2010

What is the difference between me and a muslim?


These women are taught that anyone outside of Islam should die and that they will merit blessing if they or their children kill and die while murdering infidels.

I am not a muslim.

I am a God-fearing American woman that loves the Torah.

Just because I wear a scarf on my head, doesn't make me a muslim. I am angered by the ignorance of people in America. Wake up America. Know thy ENEMY! This country was founded by God Fearing Men and Women. The women covered their hair. This isn't anything new.

But muslims are not God fearing. They are an ignorant nation that are fueled by their mullahs and hate. They are brainwashed from birth to kill and hate. We should pray for education for their children so that they will break the cycle of hatred and pain.

There are even groups of Christians today that say that based on Paul's letters women should cover their heads. 

Learn the difference people.
There is a big difference between muslims and everyone else in the world. They want Jews, Christians and everyone in between dead. 

POSTSCRIPT: This is just my venting. Don't take it personally. This is my response to ignorance so I don't let it get to me. After I post I let it go. Arrrgghhh...

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Day 4

(I thought this site was interesting...)

I wasn't feeling great today and when I took my medicine to help with the pain, I got terribly sleepy. So in spite of that, I had a good day. 

I had my Toastmaster's meeting today and even gave a speech! I have missed about 4 meetings and in Toastmaster time, that's a long time. The presentation went over well. It was my first time to cover my head and give a speech. I have minutes of trepidation, but they pass as far as what people might think or say... Prayer time this morning was wonderful. Zee came in and was listening to my prayer. He said, Eema, you used to wake up and do Yoga early in the morning and now you Pray. Prayer is better. It's strange how one day I have great Torah study and have a struggle to pray and another day I'll have great prayer and struggle to study. I guess as long as I keep trying they'll mesh. :-)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Day 3

Yes, I took another picture while in my cubicle during my break. Silly yes, but I just want to show that you can have fun with Frum Fashion.

I was reading Mishle (Proverbs) 16:3 Turn your deeds to HaShem and your thoughts will be set aright. It doesn't say that we would be set aright and then our deeds would be towards HaShem. It's also like pretending to be happy. This is actually a very wise teaching. If you pretend to be Happy, guess what? You will end up actually BEING happy. Dressing like this keeps me on my toes. I think twice before I say things unworthy of my Father. Shouldn't I do this regardless of what I wear? Yes, but I kid you not... people expect me to be better. I expect me to be better. I still have to work on reminding myself about prayer. I've caught myself midbite. It's better than forgetting altogether. It's a discipline. Boundaries are good. Look at children without boundaries. They are wild and without peace. Same with this child. When I forget who I am, it's easy to be like everyone else. When I stand for something BIGGER, I act on my best behavior. Don't believe me, try it!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Day 2

Today was a good day, but I was tired. That makes me a bit more sensitive. So honestly I felt pretty weird today. There was some doubt niggling at me. I didn't give in, but it was a challenge. Hopefully with more sleep and a shorter day, I'll be in a stronger frame of mind. It's easy to obey when things are going well, it's even easier to get lazy and blame it on the world around you.

I could post and say for HaShem's sake that today was a splendid adventure in obedience, which it was, however I want to be honest in the event that you are struggling with the same thing. My day went by smoothly, but it was a challenge to stay focused and excited about this today.

Tomorrow I face the second facet of the challenge of modesty. Being in a leadership role. I was elected as club president for this term for Toastmasters and I have my first executive meeting tomorrow at lunch. I won't be acting president until July 1st, but this will be the first time I will see my fellow Toastmasters and I will be learning my role as president in the coming weeks. They won't say anything hurtful, but I'm going to need strength to face my peers.

As an only child with a cleft palate, all I wanted to do was blend in. But it never worked that way. So then I tried being in the spotlight. That felt a lot more fun, but I would always be exhausted and then have to deal with the over analysis afterward. I don't worry so much anymore, but it does take extra effort that my flesh would rather avoid. It's easy to try and look like everyone else and to speak like everyone else and to do what others do. It's not easy to go against the flow.

This is not a truly difficult thing. I'm not in a burn unit after a major skin graft and struggling with my new face and neck. I'm not a mother with 20 children struggling to keep my children fed. I'm not homeless and hoping my family will find a safe place to sleep. So, keeping in perspective, this simple act is not a big deal. It is where I am. It is where He wants me to be.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Modesty in a Crazy World... Day 1

Well, my first day to work in modest dress was not as scary as I thought it might be. The skirt and modest blouse has been an easy transition. I've been doing that for about 2 weeks, but the head covering was a different thing. In a bigger town, this wouldn't have even been an issue.

My manager was understanding and was accommodating. My friend Kathy understood completely. I had friendly looks. No one really asked any pointed questions. One of my team mates asked how I tied the scarf. She asked if it had to be really tight to stay on. I told her it was not tight at all.

I'm looking forward to putting together another Tznius outfit (The Hebrew word for modest).

I was able to pray a lot and even had a chance to study the Parsha (Chukat) for the first time in a long time. It was a good day. I am looking forward to finding more time for prayer and study and to see the Creator continue to do amazing things.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

My New Chapter

OK. Well I always keep things interesting. At least I know I keep my family on their toes. I have spent the past few years ignoring something very important. Simply because it was too painful. But now that I am in a place where I can think a bit more and try to deal with the pain. I'm sure we've all had times of doubt and times when it's just easy to ignore the big Elephant in the room. You can get through the days without much introspection. Well this big Elephant has made a big pile of poop and I have to do some major spring cleaning.

As you can see with these pictures, the world doesn't care about much any more. What they think is clothing with purpose and thought is really a reflection of their soul. What a sad picture we are as humans.


 It wasn't very long ago when men and women both took their modesty seriously. When Adam and Eve realized they were naked, our Creator's answer was to provide clothing. He wanted to cover our nakedness. For generations the ones that acknowledged a higher power took this simple every day action very seriously. Once children were allowed to rebel and were saved from consequences of their actions, their desire to cover themselves in honor to their Creator died. I'm not saying that people who do this are less hungry to serve their Maker than others that do, I'm simply stating that the ignorance is evident. People dress for comfort now. This is their main focus. "I want to be comfortable". I can understand this.

I am sharing this post to explain why I am making a change in my life. My action to worship my Creator will upset those around me. I love my family and only want to at least say, these are my actions in honor to God. Nothing more and nothing less. What I am doing is not for comfort. It's not for my husband. It is not for organized religion. I'm not Jewish nor do I have plans to convert. I do believe that my Creator has given specific instructions for a happy life. It doesn't take much to infer that God wants women to be women and men to be men. My life is as unorthodox as any I can imagine, but I can still take steps be more sensitive to God's voice. I know that my beliefs don't mesh with my extended family's, but I still love my family.

These women are from four very recognizable religions. Are they trying to flaunt their holiness? No. They are trying to cover the blessing of their beautiful body fearfully and wonderfully made, it is not something to take lightly. They aren't fanatics. There is a time to be naked and a time to be clothed. I choose to embrace modesty in this way. I see androgynous people all the time. I can't tell whether they are men or women. There are no rules any more. I believe that we should cover our heads in honor to God when we pray. I think it is a physical sign of our spiritual covering. It's not a ritual. It's a tangible sign for an invisible communication. I have been ignoring my spirit for far too long so that I can be comfortable around the places I have to go. Even when I was confused about where I stood, God was always there. He never left. I know that I will upset my family by doing physical things to walk the path God has set for me. I don't think that doing these things will make me holier or somehow get my brownie points. I have never believed this. I do believe that by obeying my Father in Heaven I am acting as an obedient child. Nothing more and nothing less. I can not expect my children to obey me, if I am not willing to do the same. I know that thought without actions is dead. Your words mean nothing if they are not followed up with actions. Boundaries are good. They keep wild dogs from entering a home and keep food on a plate. I'm not in bondage to an ancient God. This is not cafeteria. I can't pick and choose what I will do in obedience to my Father. But He knows if I'm just not able to eat lima beans without gagging. He loves me anyway. I dropped the trash when He asked me to take it out. But I'm going back and picking up the remaining garbage on the ground and cleaning up my mess. In embracing this lifestyle, I am keeping my thoughts constantly on my Maker. Instead of pretending I don't hear Him because His commandments are not popular, I am publicly stating that I am different. People stare anyway. I have a cleft palate. Now they have something else to obsess about.

I have been dealing with this "out of the matrix" experience since 1996. It's not going be easy nor will it be the latest fad. I welcome questions and look forward to this new page in my life.


Sunday, June 6, 2010

Did you know?

Did you know that Tzipi wants to be a Veterinarian when she grows up? I learned that yesterday. I know it will change, but I think it is really cool. Watching kids decide their interests combined with a career and viola! 
We went to Wal-mart and in order to keep the gimmes at be, the phone camera is my best friend. They dreamed of birthdays and Hanukkah. :-)
Zee was thrilled because the Toy Makers put Zee's 2 favorite things together. Hot wheels and Toy Story. Way cute. Look at those eyes!!!

Well, I just wanted to post these two pictures. Hope you are having a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Trip to Grandma and Grandpa's House

  Here's Tzipi asking... are we there yet?

Here's Zee wishing he was out of the car. 

Here's my Mom holding her attack duck. Ducks are mean when they are boys without girlfriends. Gotta get them girls! 

The kids playing in the wading pool.
  The most spoiled  loved chicken in the world.(Yes, she's in the kitchen.)

This was my favorite thing to do. Hold Chickens. This was a tiny chicken, so it made it even better.
Tzipi was getting sniffed by Buddy. If she hadn't wiggled away, he would have nibbled some hair. (What she doesn't know won't hurt her)
Zee is playing target practice with Grampa with a bee bee pistol.
It was really cool to watch the animals go for shelter, just minutes before a storm hit. Dad had to extinguish the fire before it started raining. So much for smores this night.
I love this picture. This bottle has a hole in it that Zee shot with the beebee gun. The goats are interested in everything we do, can you tell?
Dad's goats think that they are dogs. Biggest dogs with dangerous horns. They are tons of fun though. 

We napped and rested and just played with animals. It was very restful. If I hadn't caught Tzipi's cold, it would have been perfect. I came home and slept all day. Driving back home was really tough. I was so tired. Thank goodness for Dayquil or I wouldn't have made it to work this afternoon.

I went to the doctor yet again. This time it was my annual. I wish all doctors were like Dr. Merki. He is patient and quiet and listens very well. He seems to really care. He gave me different medicine and suggested we try Physical Therapy in a couple weeks. It's gonna be a while before I can see the Neurologist and other specialist that I can't spell.  So we'll see.

I know I didn't write a bunch. I just really wanted to post the pictures before I fell asleep. Thanks Mom and Dad for such a nice time. I love you both!