Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Why am I awake at 3am?

I really didn't want to wake up this early. Maybe after I blog and drink some milk, I can sneak a few more Zzzzzs. 
Well, Leelee picked me up at 7:15 on the dot and took me to the hospital. Got registered and instead of doing the labwork first, the MRIs went first. If you have never had one, practice meditation NOW. I don't like tight enclosed spaces, but I'm proud to say I didn't panic. First we did the neck and upper spine the normal way. Then we did my right eye. Then the MRI tech gave me a shot of dye and we did the eye again, the neck and then the thoracic spine with contrast. There were two times that I had to focus really hard because I wanted out. Then I started singing my favorite Hebrew songs (complete with lisp since I didn't have my teeth). I'm not sure if the tech could hear me, but at that point I didn't care, I was just trying to stay calm. My left leg started to spasm while I was trying to lie very still. Not fun at all. Deep Breathing, Singing, Keeping my eyes closed, and going to a happy memory in the past; helped me get through the tight white tube of screaminess. The noise is really really loud. I liked it when it had a rhythm. I could count it and make myself happy. But when it was just loud tones, not fun.
So this morning I plan on curling my hair before I put on my hat, because they will be sticking diodes on my head and I'd rather have curls than chaos. Vain, yes... but I need a little pleasure in the middle of this situation. 
I'd be lying if I said that this isn't bothering me or affecting me. I cried for the latter part of my day at work. I've been strong up to now. Dealing with the stares and questions at work as to why I walk with a cane now, but have to park way out in Egypt. I'm just an eyesore, I guess. Or a circus act. Meet the weird girl who doesn't fit in. What's new? I can't quit living. I have to walk and I don't want to fall on my face. I have good days and bad days. Life is but a blink of an eye. Even though the days seem long, I've been through 8 surgeries of my own and waited during 14 surgeries for my son. I've lived in Wyoming, Virginia, Texas and New Mexico. I've stayed at home and made bread every Friday and worked 7 days a week when AIG went crazy. I've cried for days from loneliness at the age of 17 and I've cried without tears wanting just 1 hour alone. I've walked the Oregon trail and been to Times Square at midnight. And I'm only 31. This is just a blip. I can do this.


  1. All I can say is I love you. This mom is agonizing in mostly silence, but you are in my heart constantly and before the Father without ceasing. Abba is a good Father and He wants good things for His children MORE than I want them for you. I love you baby.

  2. YOU CAN DO THIS!! You made me cry tonight sister! You are not alone in this fight. I am here for you...praying constantly for you.
    Much love!!
    BTW - you need special parking...I can help you with this! Call me!